


square nine

by adreamaloud, daneorange (adreamaloud)



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-25
Updated: 2011-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 18:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/adreamaloud, https://archiveofourown.org/users/adreamaloud/pseuds/daneorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Did you then?" she asks softly, stroking the skin on Lily's knuckle. "Did you forget well?"</p><p>Older -- not old. Lily, years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	square nine

It'll be like square one, where we fell in love  
Forget about square two, there was no 'me and you'  
Just like square one, where we fell in love, under the tree  
Forget about square three, oh that wasn't me--  
 _square nine_ , frightened rabbit

The next thing she knows, it's already morning and Lily wakes up in a bed away from home in the clothes she had on the previous afternoon.

She checks the time before checking her phone -- it's 9 a.m. and slowly she remembers why she's here, as she reads a message from Jack checking if she's already awake. It's from a couple of hours ago.

Groaning, she sits up and loosens her tie; she hates these business trips for the jetlag, more than anything else. Her suitcase still lies unpacked near the closet, and she remembers her first meeting is due in a few hours.

Oh, might as well, she grumbles to herself, walking over to pick her suitcase up. Opening it, she takes out the urgent things -- some towels, some fresh clothes, a smaller bag with her files -- before zipping it back up again and proceeding to the bathroom.

Inside, she catches her reflection on the mirror, toothbrush in her mouth. She looks horrible, but then, what else can you expect when you have to fly across so many time zones just to attend meetings for a couple of weeks, eh?

 _Oh, might as well_. She stares at herself harder, brushing her teeth slowly, methodically.

*

She had hoped it would be exactly as she remembers it, but then again it isn't -- much has changed in this place, and the first thing she notices upon getting off the plane is a billboard of a restaurant she doesn't even remember having gone to at all.

The airport lobby itself has been rearranged, no matter how slight -- a few potted plants here and there, a couple of new stalls selling magazines. Even the bathroom has a newly painted door, and the old donut store she used to love isn't even there by the entrance anymore.

Sighing to herself she just thinks: So maybe five years *is* a long time to be gone.

*

The afternoon she flies in, Jack comes and gets her; of course he does. She tells him he's cleaned up rather well: proper haircut and slacks and leather shoes and all, though the fading scar on his cheek is still there. She sighs as that day comes back to her in quick flashes -- this was the one he got from roughhousing with Luke in the good old days.

 _Good old days_. Lily winces at the reference. "Come now, don't talk like we're old," says Jack, grinning at her sideways, adjusting the rearview mirror.

Lily looks out her window; contemplates rolling it down and lighting a fag, just for old times' sake. Not like Ingrid would know she's sneaked in a couple of sticks -- she'll be here all week, maybe half a month even, if things prove to be a bit more difficult.

"We're not _old_ ," she says. "Just older. There's a difference."

"Mmhmm." Jack nods as he turns into a corner. He'd offered the spare room in his flat; the idea of mirroring the whole Naomi-Cook setup was charming, of course -- it's classic Jack. She'd politely declined, saying it's a business trip, after all, and that she better exploit all resources.

Jack turns his hazard lights on as he pulls over right at the entrance, struggling to take a peek at the building through Lily's passenger side window. "Are you sure you're going to be all right here?"

"I'm not five, Jack," she replies, though not unkindly.

Jack gives her shoulder a warm squeeze. "Well, you know where to catch me, yeah?" And then, "We should get together sometime. Get fucked, or whatever?" Off Lily's knowing smirk, he just adds: "Our bodies just ain't what they used to be, eh?"

She nods, says, "Yeah." She pats Jack's arm one more time before going ahead and giving him a hug. All too often she feels so much older, like she's been away for more than just half a decade. "I've missed you."

Jack pats her back - three measured brotherly thumps. "You too."

Lily smiles, clambering off Jack's car slowly, all those sleepless hours finally taking their toll . She struggles up a couple of flights of stairs before reaching her door finally -- it opens to a simple studio-type flat, nothing too glamorous but not too shabby either.

She studies the bed, sitting upon the edge of it at first before slowing lying on it to stretch. She tells herself she's only going to close her eyes, five seconds tops.

(And then.)

*

The meeting adjourns way too early, and Lily finds herself having an early glass of wine alone. The weather's extra horrible as if to welcome her completely, and so she decides to just go ahead and have a drink.

She thinks about calling Jack sooner, but decides against it; besides, she could use some time solo to collect herself. After all this time and all these trips, old places still take some getting used to, time and again. Turning her phone over in her hand, she thinks about all the other cities and all the other towns she'd frequented for this job -- not quite like acting, nothing has been ever quite like _acting_ , but still, she needed to do something with her life, didn't she -- and still it makes her wonder, how things can be so familiar and alien at the same time.

Take this city, for starters -- somewhere she'd spent a considerable chunk of her life in, for one, and yet now, here she is, a supposed old face in a place she'd known well once upon a time, like the proverbial back of a worn hand, but then all she has to do is _look around_ and see for herself, how that isn't true at all.

Lily sighs, going back to the nights she'd spent here once upon a time, this dreamy-eyed teenager at the edge of the real world - nineteen turning twenty turning twenty-one, wasn't she, her chest full of _possibilities_. She remembers having passed on the way over what should have been that bar she'd frequented with Meg and Kat and Kaya -- or at least, often enough to have been familiar with everyone after some time.

(At the time, it was fun, running into lots of familiar faces; of course, after a while, they grew tired of it -- all the same people in the same space constituting all-too-familiar nights they've grown to call formulaic -- but ah, had she known then what she knew now. That's always the case, isn't it.)

But there's no bar there, now; in its place a book store stood instead, and though Lily has nothing against books and selling them she feels something twist inside her anyway, like a portion peeled off a corner of her heart.

Outside, rain starts pounding harder and Lily downs whatever's left in her glass before asking for another. She turns her phone over again in her palm and checks for the time -- seven fifteen. Jack isn't due for at least forty five more minutes; she wonders idly what he'd said to whoever had been bumped off his social calendar tonight for her benefit.

Lily finds herself smiling idly at the thought, lowering her phone upon the table, face down, as her second glass of wine comes around.

Overhead a bell tinkles, signalling the opening of the entrance door; naturally, Lily lifts her eyes from her wine to look, checking for Jack. It isn't Jack, of course -- hadn't she just checked the time for that? -- but the sight of the girl who enters the room lodges something in her throat anyway, in that Lily has to go and take a second huge sip from her wine glass right away.

Kaya doesn't look at Lily, as feared; just fixes her hair a bit and takes her coat off instead, hanging it upon her arm as she walks after the receptionist, who clearly is familiar with her, if not for who she once was on television, then it's for being an obviously regular patron of this place. Lily watches as Kaya smiles at the receptionist as they reach her table, lips moving like she's saying _Thank you._ They're still as Lily remembers.

Lily blinks before taking another mouthful of wine; it goes down like a huge solid chunk down her throat, too quick that it actually warms her face. She looks away, reminding herself that Kaya hasn't seen her; maybe it's for the better.

*

Lily remembers the last time they were together; suffice it to say it hadn't been exactly pretty. (Or maybe it was -- when has being around _Kaya_ been a not pretty thing, anyway?) Lily tries to sneak another glance at her, seated at the far corner of the bar; Kaya's studying the menu, that trademark disinterested look on her face. She's alone, and she looks like she's going to be alone for the rest of the night as she goes ahead and orders. Lily notes how she still smiles the same way -- like she doesn't exactly mean it, but it captivates you anyhow.

Lily closes her eyes, lifting her phone off the table. It is now seven forty. _Twenty more minutes,_ she tells herself. She motions to the waiter and tells him to go ahead and bring the rest of the bottle; she's going to need it, anyway.

At five before eight, Jack calls her up and asks her where she is. "Here at the bar across the company flat," she says, trying to sound calm and not on the verge of breaking. "I'm three wine glasses ahead of you so you better--"

"Isn't that Mickey's?" Jack cuts in, his voice urgent.

Lily shrugs. She hadn't checked the sign; all she needed to know was whether they served dinner and drinks, and that was that. But she does spy a huge fancy M stenciled on a glass panel up front. "I guess."

Jack mutters something under his breath and Lily wonders if she's already drunk enough to be imagining things or if Jack were actually panicking. "All right, I'm on my way."

It's ten minutes later when he arrives. Lily gets up from her seat -- like a true gentleman, she thinks, a bit hazily; she's now five wine glasses in, and on a relatively empty stomach too -- and now she's a bit wobbly at the knees even. Her table makes a small sound as she shoves it across the floor a bit.

"Jesus," says Jack, going to her and giving her a quick hug. "You've -- is this a bottle of _wine_?"

Lily returns the hug fiercely, holding onto him tighter than she'd expected at first, before pushing herself off him and sitting back down. "Don't laugh," she just says as Jack smirks at her, bottle still in his hand. "That's supposedly good for the heart."

Jack lowers the bottle, still standing with a hand in his pocket. Lily studies him and how he's changed -- where's the boy who'd always gone out in faded jeans? When did he turn into this _man?_ Perhaps noticing the look, Jack gives her a small bow before turning around in place, his arms outstretched.

"Like what you see?" he asks, wiggling his brow, and just like that, the boy Lily knew is back. Lily laughs out loud, kicking his shin lightly.

"Sit down, I thought you were joining me for drinks?"

The grin on Jack's face diminishes, a little; had Lily not known him as long as she did, she probably would have missed it altogether, small as the change was. He shoves his other hand in a pocket as well before saying, "I was thinking we could move to another place."

Lily chews on the corner of her lip. Jack _knows_. She chances a glance toward the corner where Kaya's supposed to be; feels a slight panic upon seeing it empty. _Where is she?_ Lily notes that her coat's still hanging off the chair across her seat. _The loo, perhaps?_ Lily breathes out, slightly relieved -- of course, _the loo_ , that's completely sensible, isn't it--

"Leaving? Already?"

When Lily shifts her eyes back to Jack, he's already turned to the woman beside him and planting a polite kiss on her cheek. The sound of a chair being pulled across the floor startles Lily in that she has to gasp, the sound painful as it scrapes her throat, now too dry after everything.

She spies her wine glass; just emptied. _Great_ , she thinks, lifting her eyes finally to meet Kaya's, looking at her expectantly as she stands beside Jack, her arms braced against the back of a chair.

"No, I just got here actually," Jack says, clearing his throat. "I was just asking Lily here if she wanted to go somewhere else."

"And leave my restaurant?" Kaya asks, the laugh in her voice failing to completely mask her disappointment. _Her restaurant?_ "Nonsense. Come join my table."

"Didn't want to impose. Aren't you with someone tonight?" says Jack. Sitting there still unable to say anything, Lily can see how there's still a trace of it in him somewhere, that boy who was once in love with this girl a long time ago. Lily understands this, of course.

"I'm alone tonight," Kaya just says, extending a hand toward Lily. "How have you been?"

Lily swallows, taking Kaya's hand and pulling herself upright, still feeling the unsteady tremble in her knees. _Our bodies ain't what they used to be._ "S'alright," she just says, gripping the hand tighter, her palm feeling all too warm. "And you?"

Kaya just smiles as she tugs at her hand, pulls her closer. "Honestly? Better now than I've been in _days_."

Lily blinks at that and Jack puts a hand on the small of her back as he clears his throat, as if to say, _I'm still here_. "Ladies?"

Kaya laughs, tossing her head back. "This way," she says, tucking a stray hand behind her ear, after. Lily tries not to look at what Kaya's wearing (that all-too-thin top, that ridiculously short skirt), nor does she even dare to make the mistake of glancing at where their hands are joined.

Lily tries a host of things that night; needless to say, they all fail.

*

Predictably, Jack excuses himself not even halfway through dinner.

Lily saw how it all made him incredibly uncomfortable, sitting there across Kaya with two bottles of wine and the more-or-less standard catching up conversation that he clearly wasn't ready to have at the time. It all made her feel guilty, a little; after all, it was supposed to be just the two of them tonight, and not this entirely ill-advised threesome.

"For real this time, Jack?" Kaya asks, sitting back and eyeing him lazily, the way she's always done, and Lily doesn't look away quick enough to miss the wince that ghosts across Jack's face. "You should really drop by more often."

"Yeah," Jack just says, looking over at Lily with something like an apology in his eye. He stretches a bit and fixes his collar, hand digging into his pocket, presumably for his wallet.

"Don't be silly," Kaya says, putting a hand on his right on the table. Lily notes a slight blush on a spot on Jack's neck, right below his jaw. "Friends dine for free."

Jack pulls his hand from underneath hers, makes a show of scratching the back of his neck, like he were embarrassed. "Thanks, Kay," he mutters. "Lily. I'll catch you some other time?"

Lily stands up, nodding as she opens her arms and motions to Jack for a hug; it feels tighter and warmer than expected, and she tells herself it's just the wine, if only to get over the guilt that she feels when she looks at Jack one last time.

She stares after Jack as he walks away, waiting for the door to shut behind him as he steps into the street. When he's out of sight, Lily shifts her eyes back to the table, just in time to catch Kaya looking back at her in kind.

"Well?" It is Kaya who breaks the silence first, a smile slowly spreading across her lips as she sits back into her seat, sagging against the backrest more comfortably, obviously relieved.

Lily takes it as a sign to get more comfortable herself. "Oh fuck it," she says, leaning in closer to the table, finally letting herself relax, however slight. "What happened between you and Jack, anyway?"

Right then, Kaya laughs -- a sincere-sounding one, like she hadn't expected the question at all and was completely charmed by it. "Oh, Jack," she says, her eyes still twinkling. Lily bites her lip to keep from telling her how beautiful she still is. "It was an on-again, off-again affair -- it was impossible." And then, "People get older, you know."

"He still seems a bit..."

"Hung up?" Kaya completes for her in that completely nonchalant way that Lily would have found annoying, had she not been in love with her once upon a time. _Once,_ she repeats in her head. _Love. Once._ Lily reaches for her glass, which Kaya promptly refills with wine without a word.

Lily takes a lengthy sip before, "Would you call it that? Hung up? Is he still?"

Kaya pauses a bit before, "No, I don't think so," she says, shaking her head. "I mean -- this isn't even me anymore, know what I'm saying? That girl he fancied, once. Far too long ago." Kaya looks at Lily through her wine glass as she takes a sip herself. "But you know how it is -- what if you were faced with an old ghost -- say, Kathryn."

Lily finds herself laughing at that -- she hasn't seen Kathryn for _years_. "Kathryn, of course," she says, lowering her glass on the table. "What about Kat?"

"Say, you run into her randomly -- on a busy street, say, in Prague. Or Berlin. Won't you feel... similar?"

Lily eyes Kaya, her lips pursed. She's toying with her, obviously; Kaya knows she doesn't even _have_ to bring Kat up to get the answer she likes to hear. But still, Lily finds herself nodding. "Well," she says, shrugging. "Maybe." And then: "You didn't have to go so far to reference anything... _similar_. Don't you think?"

Something shifts in Kaya's eye, and it tells Lily that Kaya gets it, all right; it's out loud and clear. Kaya lowers her eyes before asking, "Want to get out of here? Get some fresh air, that sort."

"And out of _your_ restaurant?"

Kaya smirks. "Not really," she says. "My office has a veranda, just so you know."

*

The city looks breathtaking from where they're standing and, studying Kaya's face lit by city lights from below, Lily tries to wrap her head around the possibilities that could have unfolded in the years between.

Kaya breathes in, making a soft hissing sound as she rubs her arms through her coat before slipping a pack of fags out of a pocket. Wordlessly, she offers it to Lily.

"I've quit smoking," says Lily, eyeing the unlit fag now hanging off the corner of Kaya's lips with a look that's a mix of envy and a tinge of something Lily hesitates to call _lust_.

"Oh?" Kaya says back, lifting a brow. She looks at Lily before going ahead and lighting it; Lily winces and looks away. "Why's that?"

"Ingrid doesn't like it," Lily says. Clearing her throat, she adds, "Ingrid, my girlfriend." And then, off the question in Kaya's eyes: "Two, two and a half years."

Kaya laughs and Lily tries to look closer for any indication that she's the least bit surprised. Because she is Kaya though, there is none. Kaya smiles like she's expected Ingrid's name to come up all along. "And you let her do that to you, you mean? _Control_ you, this way?"

 _Fine_ , Lily thinks to herself. _Maybe this is what adults do._ "It's a package. I knew what I was getting into."

"Really now."

Lily tries to tear her eyes away from where the cigarette filter meets Kaya's lips; tries not to note how the edge of it is now moist.

Tries not to remember that last day they were together -- that moment at the edge of that holiday in Kaya's bed, right on the eve of their flight out of the island; the way the setting sun fell on Kaya's stomach, the contrast of Lily's pale hands upon Kaya's even paler skin. The taste of her, the sound of her. The smell of the sheets after.

Lily looks away, finally, finding a point in the distance to fix her eyes on; Lily thinks it must be a lit window in an apartment three blocks over. "Really," she says, breathing out, her voice coming out hoarse. "As you've said, people grow older."

"I see." Kaya makes a small laughing noise as she exhales; the smoke is still as Lily remembers -- a hint of sweetness in the poison, is what comes to her mind first. The night around them is chilly. "Tell me about Ingrid."

Lily laughs, her fingers itchy. Where to begin about Ingrid? "We used to work together. In theater."

"Oh, an actress?" says Kaya, in that excited tone that prompts Lily to turn her head and look at her.

Lily shakes her head, almost sad to be somewhat disappointing Kaya. "No, she's in production. Behind the scenes -- set and stuff."

"An artist, then." Kaya arches her brow for effect, and to Lily she comes off as completely surprised yet pleased just the same.

Lily can't put a finger on it, but somewhere there, something stings. She watches as Kaya wears her cigarette down, biting her tongue all along and saying nothing.

"You're awfully quiet," says Kaya finally, stubbing her fag against the railing and flicking it out to the street, crossing her arms and hugging herself. "Did I say something?"

Shaking her head, Lily just says, "Just that -- well, it's been a long night, and I -- well. I'm in town for a few meetings, so."

"You're still acting then?" A hand on her arm, and that's all Kaya has to do to properly immobilize her. Lily sags back against the railing, her knees unsteady despite the fact that it's been hours since the wine.

"No, I -- well."

"You don't have to tell me anything." And just like that, Kaya draws her hand back to herself; the space she touched remains warm and Lily can feel it distinctly tingling, still. "It was -- it was nice seeing you."

Kaya inhales deeply as she moves in for a hug, and Lily holds her breath, closing her eyes as Kaya closes in around her. Her arms feel thinner but warmer; a _whole lot warmer_.

Lily delivers the first push, her hand carefully placed upon Kaya's shoulder. "You, too." She doesn't pause to look at Kaya's face before turning around and walking back into Kaya's office, hoping to get to the door before her will runs out.

"What else has changed?" Kaya's voice is still unbelievably level. Lily hangs onto the door knob more firmly. _Is it the wine?_ "So, you're a wine-drinking non-smoker who's x number of years older now. Anything else?"

Despite herself, Lily starts laughing. "You forgot about Ingrid."

"I remember the things I want to," says Kaya. Even with her back turned to her, Lily can almost see her smirking. "Lily. Anything else?"

"Kaya," Lily says, turning back around. Resisting her is as pointless now as it has always been. "What is it that you want?"

"I want you to stay still." Kaya steps into the room, bringing her face to the light. "You're always running." Lily leans back against the still shut door, worrying her lip, wondering if she'll ever have the resolve to keep on walking out.

"When I first saw you in the restaurant, I couldn't believe it -- I hadn't seen you for so long, and then here you were -- you're as pretty as I remember."

Lily lowers her eyes, trying to hide the smile that goes along with her blush. She knows this Kaya best -- it's the last sort of Kaya she remembers; the Kaya from the island, the Kaya on that holiday with Meg. The Kaya who's impossibly flirty, and just as impossible to turn down.

"Will I see you again?"

Lily swallows, contemplating her answer. "Maybe." And then, "I'm in town for a couple of weeks. Meetings of every sort."

"So you've said," says Kaya, perched upon the corner of her desk, looking at the floor like she's incredibly uncertain; like she were actually afraid that Lily would say no. "You can drop by anytime you're free then -- dinner, drinks, dessert. All on the house, if that's any--"

"That's ridiculous," Lily says, laughing. Kaya looks up, looking incredibly wounded and Lily realizes where she must have gone wrong. "Oh, no -- that wasn't what I meant -- I meant, the company's paying for _everything_ , I don't see why I can't--"

" _Oh_ ," Kaya says, a smile forming upon her lips. "Of course, I just -- well, we _are_ friends, I don't see why--"

It occurs to Lily right then, how strange it all is, for the two of them to be fumbling around each other like this, when they've known each other for _years_.

"You know what," says Kaya, tearing a piece of paper off a notepad and scribbling something upon it quickly before handing it over. As expected, it is a phone number. "When you're more comfortable -- call or something. All right?"

Lily stares at it for a while, her throat dry. "Yeah," she says eventually, managing a nod. "Yeah, sure."

*

That night in bed, Lily stares at the ceiling, watching the lights from the street shift as the hours wore on. She wonders if she should call Ingrid -- isn't that what proper couples do? -- but when she reaches for her phone, she finds Kaya's number still there, typed in but unsaved.

 _Oh._ Closing her eyes, she saves it anyway without any further thought, setting the phone back on the side table.

She doesn't call Ingrid. She doesn't have anything to say.

*

It's days later when Lily decides to drop by after a particularly difficult meeting; she catches Kaya's eye the moment she steps into the restaurant, one hand pushing at the door, the other yanking at her tie.

"I thought you were with Kat all along," says Kaya, idly playing with her fork, twisting and untwisting into the pasta in her plate. It's the first thing anybody has said after roughly an hour of sitting across each other in a small table by the corner.

Lily swallows, slow and careful. "And where did you get that information?"

"The Internet, of course," Kaya smiles, and Lily has to let out a little laugh at Kaya's matter-of-fact delivery. "Those guys know more than we all do."

"Ah," Lily says, her laughter dying down. She quietly pokes around her plate a while longer before sighing. "If it's any consolation," she says, pushing the plate forward slightly. "It isn't true. None of it was." She looks up slowly, trying to delay the moment.

Kaya's lips are pressed together thinly now; out of all her options, this is the space Lily decides is safe enough to settle on. Of course, she's wrong -- it's not safe _at all_ but it isn't like her eyes are any safer, and really, she can't look anywhere else.

"Say something."

Kaya laughs. "You don't get to use the old lines on me." She dabs at her lips with a napkin before breaking out into a slight smile. "Seriously -- how much of what I've read is true? I heard you went back to Berlin last year for New Year's."

"I did," Lily nods. "With Ingrid. We were -- we were in _that_ space. Traveling, adventure -- everything once."

Kaya quirks her eyebrow at that, the light in her eyes shifting. "Really." Lily bites at her lip to keep a loud laugh from getting out -- her lungs feel too full, but it's a decidedly _nice_ feeling. "From what I read, you were with Kat. How likely is it that Ingrid is -- you know."

Eyes widening, Lily lets the laugh out, swatting Kaya's arm playfully. "You did not just imply that," she says, grinning. "Because -- she's truly _not_."

"Whatever you say, Lily."

"She's _not_."

Kaya leans in closer to the table, still that grin on her face. "Tell me more about her, then."

Lily leans closer in kind, and they're in that familiar place again, the one before the awkwardness set on; just two girls having dinner, swapping stories and laughing without the weight of an ill-advised afternoon.

*

"You really love her, no?"

The lights are already dim in Kaya's restaurant, but they still have half a bottle of wine to go. The tables around them are empty.

"'Course," Lily replies, blinking. There's a curious weight that's creeping into her head slowly, steadily; her tongue feels heavy and oddly disconnected. "Isn't that what it's all about?"

Kaya makes a noncommittal sound; something that sounds like assent. She sips from her glass of wine and smiles, like she knows something that Lily has tried to keep from her all this time.

It’s the sort of look that drives Lily crazy. " _What?_ "

"Nothing," Kaya says, shaking her head and putting her glass down. "It's just – strange to hear you speak this way."

"Like _what?_ "

"Like you're _sure_ of something."

Lily considers her answer for a moment, taking a huge sip from her glass while at it. Kaya immediately moves in for a refill before Lily can say anything else. "You say it like I've been this... wishy-washy person the whole time you knew me."

"I didn't say that."

"Then what were you saying?"

Kaya looks at her quietly for a moment, letting her smile grow wider until it turns into a laugh. "Listen to us having this very drunk conversation."

"Mighty interesting, I can only imagine." Lily feels herself smirking, slowly, as Kaya's laugh dies down, leaving a faint smile in its wake. Lily tries not to see how pretty Kaya is now, in this soft light.

"Remember the first time I asked if you were in love with Kat?"

She's taken aback, but Lily tries not to show it; they'd never really discussed that moment, not this way. "That time in between series," Lily replies, trying to be casual, though the shaky hand holding her wine glass is as dead a giveaway as any. "Did I even give a straight-out answer?"

"No," says Kaya, shaking her head, still smiling. "You were in _that_ space -- I think that's what made you so attractive. You were so -- how did we put it? Vague."

" _We?_ " Lily arches a brow. She didn't know there was a _we_ of any sort, at any point.

"Meg. She's a total gossip, but I guess you already knew that."

"Of course." Lily rolls her eyes, but she's smiling oddly at the thought of Meg and Kaya gossiping about her aforementioned _vagueness_. "In hindsight though -- maybe I truly was. In love with Kat. At some point."

"Ah, finally -- a straight answer."

Lily sticks her tongue out at her playfully. "But I'm not, anymore. Haven't been for a long time--"

"You know what else I remember?" Lily feels her heart still, as if it were expecting a blow. Something in Kaya's voice -- lowered, hushed, and suddenly sober -- seems to warn her. "That time someone asked me if there was any girl on the set -- you still remember how this story goes, right?"

Of course, Lily remembers; that's when everything began. She reaches for her glass for a final sip, as she realizes that their bottle has chosen a particularly interesting moment to run out on them. "'Course," she just says, shrugging for effect. "That's when you said--"

"You, in a heartbeat."

Hearing it from Kaya again takes all the air out of Lily's lungs, and Lily breathes in deep to cope. "I haven't forgotten what happened in the island, Kay -- if that's what you're driving at."

And Kaya actually _blushes_ upon being reminded, lowering her eyes and focusing on a space by the edge of the table. "Neither have I," she just says, fingertips fussing with the table cloth on the surface.

Lily can't find anything to say in response -- what do you say in moments like this? -- and after a while, Kaya clears her throat and asks, "Did you--do you regret it?"

Of course, there must have been plenty of good reasons why they haven't talked about that day at all -- and difficult questions like this one were just a few of them. Lily's throat is dry, and she feels herself grip at the hem of the table cloth on her end.

"Kaya."

"I wanted to think there was something else that drove you out of here, Lily."

And there was, really; there was her career, and all those opportunities, and the unmistakable temptation of travel and the attractiveness of strange places. "I wanted to go someplace," Lily begins, licking at her lower lip. "Where I can forget having been the sort of person I was."

"And what was that?"

Biting her lip, she just says, "Oh you know. The sort who sleeps with her best friend and couldn't deal. That sort."

Kaya's eyes soften at that, and she reaches across to Lily with a hand. "Did you then?" she asks softly, stroking the skin on Lily's knuckle. "Did you forget well?"

Lily breathes in, closing her eyes for a moment. The buzz from the wine is almost gone and her head feels so clear that things start to hurt somewhere. "I met Ingrid," she says finally, trying to call up the fondest memory of Ingrid's face that she has. The one she remembers is from when they first met, and in her head, Ingrid is just about to turn to face her, and that glow on her face -- _Oh._ "The rest, as they say, is history."

*

That night, pulling her coat back on as Kaya locks the restaurant's main door, Lily steps out into the empty street and inhales. The night smells like an ending.

"I'm on my last meeting tomorrow," Lily says as Kaya pockets her keys. "My flight out is tomorrow night."

Kaya nods, lowering her eyes to the pavement, as if she were checking her shoes. "Oh," she just says softly. "Too soon, always."

"Yeah."

Kaya leans in closer and for a moment, it frightens Lily that she might kiss her; this time with Ingrid back home it would be entirely unforgivable. After a moment's hesitation, Kaya does kiss her, but it's a chaste one on her cheek. The space she leaves is warm and moist; a bit ticklish, even.

"You should come to meetings around here more often," says Kaya, clearing her throat and fiddling with Lily's collar, obviously trying to find a safe thing to do with her hands. "Maybe come with Ingrid, so I can meet her."

The name comes off softly now, without the bitter edges it originally had the first few times, and Lily finds herself smiling warmly at that. She leans in and gives Kaya a kiss on her cheek in kind; the skin there is soft, and for the first time since coming here, Lily feels no longer haunted by certain memories of islands.

*

Opening the door to her flat that night, the first thing she does is call Ingrid.

"What time is it there?" Ingrid asks. Lily can feel her smiling on the other end of the line.

"Late, but not too late," she just says, sitting carefully upon the edge of the bed. Her suitcase is already packed, standing beside the wall. "How have you been today?"

"Tired but not _too_ tired," Ingrid mimicks, and at that they share a laugh.

Lily leans closer into the receiver, basking in the sound.

**Author's Note:**

> skins rpfs, lily, r. ~6,000 words. title from frightened rabbit. ~~i am clearly not yet done.~~ I am.


End file.
